Completely agree...I think the problem lies too in the semantics...it's not a vacation by any means, just a shift in living environments for a few days. Vacation implies rest, relaxation, exploration, expansion of self in some manner. But with children, we're simply doing bedtime in a new room, and dishes in a new sink. Don't even get me started on cooking while on vacation. I do think it gets easier once they're past the napping and diaper phase. But even with a six-year-old, I was missing having a stroller as we went on a week vacation this summer!
Needed to read this! Thank you. I have an almost-two-year old and I keep dreaming about lovely beach vacations like the annual summer family trip I grew up with, then the reality sets in that a trip right now would be dominated by logistics, lugging of stuff, nap times, chasing after toddler, etc. instead of lying on the beach reading a book. I've been trying to remind myself that the memories I have of the summer trip I grew up with are all memories from being an 8 year old or a 12 year old or a 15 year old, not a 2 year old. We will definitely wait to do true summer vacations until kids are older.
We travel several times a year with our 4 and 2 year old and love it! We do hiking or beach trips mostly but were even lucky enough to spend 2.5 weeks abroad when our youngest was only 6 months old (we probably wouldn’t have traveled that far that soon, but a friend was getting married). I’m so sorry you had difficult travel experiences… we have always kept a loose flow to the day rather than a strict nap schedule, so as long as there are plenty of snacks everyone tends to be pretty happy. But that’s certainly not the case for every kid!
The one thing I would think about in encouraging people to “come to you” is to be incredibly transparent about what times you plan on spending WITH them and what times you intend for them to entertain themselves. We did a “go to see a friend with a little one” trip not too long ago— while it was delightful, the communication leading into the trip made it sound like we were spending a full 3 days with the family, and in practice (because they bowed out anytime their little one was fussy) we drove several hours but only saw them for maybe 8 hours total. I think it’s harder for the people at home and in their routine to want to break the routine, even if guests come… so if you plan on being home for every nap, leaving the restaurant if someone is fussy, etc. it’s better that everyone knows that going in (especially because your hometown may be less of a “destination location” with things to do other than visit you).
Thank you for this. We do not really do a summer vacation. It’s just….too much. But I always feel like I am really depriving my kids of this classic experience, and I feel the weight of that guilt when, over the course of 3 months, people invariably ask in every single conversation where we’re traveling this summer and I have to be like, “nowhere.”
The reality is, I already just barely skate by in the summers, with the childcare/camp situation being what it is and my job being very necessarily in-person. And we just live in a place where we have tons of great things to do locally! We have a super awesome water park, a summer pool membership, and three great mid-size amusement parks within 90 minutes. We do city days or see shows here and there. We are right on the river and I book guided family-friendly kayaking outings here and there (so that I’m just outsourcing all the labor of choosing where to go, knowing the tides, etc). There are birthday parties and play dates and afternoon movies, “camping” overnights in the backyard, MLS soccer games to go see – and generally, on all the various days I have to miss work due to lack of childcare, or on the weekends, we do these things. We also pick a show and binge watch it over the summer together, and my kids and I play through a great video game together every summer as well. So no, we don’t “go anywhere.” We just have an extended period of time where we kind of luxuriate in living HERE.
I will say that we take a big annual vacation in the winter, which is a family ski trip. Planning (and executing….and affording) a ski trip with four kids is not exactly easy, and not a vacation in the restful sense of the word, but it still feels way easier than cramming a summer vacation into everything else that summer has going on. And I go into it expecting to be exhausted (skiing from lift opening to lift close, with four kids!) so when I collapse into bed at 9pm I feel like “yep” instead of like we are somehow doing it wrong. We schedule the trip for that winter lull in February/March where everything feels blah and there’s just not a lot going on in general; we pull the kids out of school for a week so we aren’t fighting vacation crowds (and so that it's cheaper, and so that I'm not fighting other parents for the school break time off - and I'm not fighting my own guilt over sticking them in a holiday-week camp for those late-winter school breaks). It feels like the emotional and logistical investment is lower than it would be planning a trip in summer, and the reward is higher for me, so that’s what we do.
Summers are where I try to maximize rest and chilling out for all of us, and for me, right now, that means not doing a vacation.
Currently reading this while sitting in the car (with AC thank goodness) in the parking lot at the beach while my 6 month old naps on me after fighting his morning nap. I think I will need to bookmark this as a reminder for myself next year…
My husband and I made this decision (skipping travel with littles) before our first was born in 2020, and I’m so grateful we did. We love to travel, especially me, but it’s just not worth it with kids under five (or six?).
Our first getaway as parents is fast approaching - a flight and two nights away!! I’m very excited about more vacations like this, just the two of us, until the kids are bigger. 🩵
Thank you for writing and sharing this. I am sorry your trip was so stressful.
I’m enjoying rereading one of my favorite posts of yours Katherine while on the drive home from our first solo family trip (ie not to visit or meet up with other family) as a family of 5. It actually went better than expected. Sure our almost 3 year old was a cranky, demanding little three-nager most days since he was off his normal nap schedule. My 8 and 11 year olds still fought and complained like normal. But they also had a ton of fun together, especially discovering the joy of boating on the lake and tubing together, which they equated to the second best day of their lives after Disneyland 🤣 Even though my toddler refused to even get in the lake, I thoroughly enjoyed seeing my older boys discover the joys of lake life, and I even had a few opportunities to lounge by the pool and read while my husband gladly opted to stay out of the sun while our toddler napped. We also ate out every night except for a simple hamburger dinner, and we slept in and didn’t over schedule our days, which made it feel more like vacation than just like a long weekend at home. I’m in no rush to travel again with our toddler until he’s done with diapers and naps (except for the obligatory holiday travel to see our families), but glad we picked one relaxing destination just a 3hr car ride away and only for 4 nights in a spacious condo. As opposed to our original plan of a week long road trip to visit 3 different friends 4-8hrs away, that definitely would’ve been a nightmare.
A big unlock for me was traveling somewhere we could pay for nearly full-time childcare. We were lucky to 1) have a personal connection at our destination so we weren't hiring a total stranger, and 2) the exchange rate worked in our favor and made the childcare much more affordable. Paying a responsible and lovely human to watch our baby 5-8 hours a day (and having family around as well to help the rest of the time) was a game changer and allowed the trip to feel like a vacation — most of the time (most, not all!). In the future I would rather travel less frequently but in more resourced way so that I'm not just parenting harder in a different location, but actually enjoying the experience too.
I'm feeling this in a big way right now, as we're traveling with our 6 and 9 year olds. I don't want to sound ungrateful, because we visit incredible places, but for me, it is mostly parenting hard in a beautiful place, with none of the supports of home. But it's also the dead zone before school starts when the summer camps are over and pools have reduced hours despite it being triple digits at home, so instead, why not try to make the kids get along all day, every day at the beach right?
It's actually a working vacation for my husband, so, as when we're at home, the bulk of the parenting falls to me. I did all the packing and prep to get here, and now it's the regular shopping and cooking, oh, and ordering school supplies and scheduling doctor's appointments from several time zones away. And trying to get in some of my own work is met with, "why don't you just have fun--we're on vacation!" I was contemplating whether it makes sense to ever do this again while on my way to the grocery earlier today...
Your suggestions are great. My husband refuses to travel without the kids, so my only true relaxation happens on solo trips, usually catching up with my girlfriends.
We took our 2 kids (9 and 13) to an all-inclusive resort at Cancun this year. There was a tropical depression when we got there, so cloudy, rainy and incredibly windy. Then on day 2, my youngest cut her head on the side of the pool and we had to get stitches. She could get them wet so we just went home early. We tried to make the best of it…and when I think about the money it makes me a bit sick. I think the lesson is you really can’t control things so keep your expectations in check.
This is such a brutal story given the kids ages, and the relative ease of an all inclusive vacation. This would seem primed to go really well….and yet.
You know, it took us 4 kids, singletons, over a decade of toddlers at this point, for my husband and I to realize that this year (with a 10/7/4/2 group) we were just…not going on vacation. Yes, we are travelling 3 times, because we live outside the U.S. far away, but we are are just…going to our house in the US and people are coming to see us. Is it stress free? No. But it’s just not worth the agony until the youngest is toilet trained :). I do think that trips can be great, but they have been both highest of highs and lowest of lows for us. So the average is…average? Kinda like staying at home!
For what it’s worth, I agree that saving for a big trip and spending on that trip is worth it rather than constantly stressing about cost while on the trip. We over time have come to prioritize spending on space where we stay, and economizing on other things like eating out with everyone. My kids are boring eaters. It’s depressing to pay 15 dollars for chicken tenders in Madrid. When we do travel we feed them homemade food in the room and then get babysitting and go out. Win win. But I will say - our kids, even the little ones, do remember the family adventures because it’s part of the family “lore” that the older ones pass to the younger ones. Even “remember when R barfed all over the train” level of lore :)
i despise spending money for my kids to eat out when they don't appreciate it. i've taken to letting one of the kids exclusively order french fries bc that's all he'll eat anyway.
Completely agree...I think the problem lies too in the semantics...it's not a vacation by any means, just a shift in living environments for a few days. Vacation implies rest, relaxation, exploration, expansion of self in some manner. But with children, we're simply doing bedtime in a new room, and dishes in a new sink. Don't even get me started on cooking while on vacation. I do think it gets easier once they're past the napping and diaper phase. But even with a six-year-old, I was missing having a stroller as we went on a week vacation this summer!
“Family trip”
Needed to read this! Thank you. I have an almost-two-year old and I keep dreaming about lovely beach vacations like the annual summer family trip I grew up with, then the reality sets in that a trip right now would be dominated by logistics, lugging of stuff, nap times, chasing after toddler, etc. instead of lying on the beach reading a book. I've been trying to remind myself that the memories I have of the summer trip I grew up with are all memories from being an 8 year old or a 12 year old or a 15 year old, not a 2 year old. We will definitely wait to do true summer vacations until kids are older.
All so true
We travel several times a year with our 4 and 2 year old and love it! We do hiking or beach trips mostly but were even lucky enough to spend 2.5 weeks abroad when our youngest was only 6 months old (we probably wouldn’t have traveled that far that soon, but a friend was getting married). I’m so sorry you had difficult travel experiences… we have always kept a loose flow to the day rather than a strict nap schedule, so as long as there are plenty of snacks everyone tends to be pretty happy. But that’s certainly not the case for every kid!
The one thing I would think about in encouraging people to “come to you” is to be incredibly transparent about what times you plan on spending WITH them and what times you intend for them to entertain themselves. We did a “go to see a friend with a little one” trip not too long ago— while it was delightful, the communication leading into the trip made it sound like we were spending a full 3 days with the family, and in practice (because they bowed out anytime their little one was fussy) we drove several hours but only saw them for maybe 8 hours total. I think it’s harder for the people at home and in their routine to want to break the routine, even if guests come… so if you plan on being home for every nap, leaving the restaurant if someone is fussy, etc. it’s better that everyone knows that going in (especially because your hometown may be less of a “destination location” with things to do other than visit you).
This is a good point about having people come to you.
Thank you for this. We do not really do a summer vacation. It’s just….too much. But I always feel like I am really depriving my kids of this classic experience, and I feel the weight of that guilt when, over the course of 3 months, people invariably ask in every single conversation where we’re traveling this summer and I have to be like, “nowhere.”
The reality is, I already just barely skate by in the summers, with the childcare/camp situation being what it is and my job being very necessarily in-person. And we just live in a place where we have tons of great things to do locally! We have a super awesome water park, a summer pool membership, and three great mid-size amusement parks within 90 minutes. We do city days or see shows here and there. We are right on the river and I book guided family-friendly kayaking outings here and there (so that I’m just outsourcing all the labor of choosing where to go, knowing the tides, etc). There are birthday parties and play dates and afternoon movies, “camping” overnights in the backyard, MLS soccer games to go see – and generally, on all the various days I have to miss work due to lack of childcare, or on the weekends, we do these things. We also pick a show and binge watch it over the summer together, and my kids and I play through a great video game together every summer as well. So no, we don’t “go anywhere.” We just have an extended period of time where we kind of luxuriate in living HERE.
I will say that we take a big annual vacation in the winter, which is a family ski trip. Planning (and executing….and affording) a ski trip with four kids is not exactly easy, and not a vacation in the restful sense of the word, but it still feels way easier than cramming a summer vacation into everything else that summer has going on. And I go into it expecting to be exhausted (skiing from lift opening to lift close, with four kids!) so when I collapse into bed at 9pm I feel like “yep” instead of like we are somehow doing it wrong. We schedule the trip for that winter lull in February/March where everything feels blah and there’s just not a lot going on in general; we pull the kids out of school for a week so we aren’t fighting vacation crowds (and so that it's cheaper, and so that I'm not fighting other parents for the school break time off - and I'm not fighting my own guilt over sticking them in a holiday-week camp for those late-winter school breaks). It feels like the emotional and logistical investment is lower than it would be planning a trip in summer, and the reward is higher for me, so that’s what we do.
Summers are where I try to maximize rest and chilling out for all of us, and for me, right now, that means not doing a vacation.
I love how you have really found something that works for your family, and it sounds like your kids have amazing summers without official trips!
Currently reading this while sitting in the car (with AC thank goodness) in the parking lot at the beach while my 6 month old naps on me after fighting his morning nap. I think I will need to bookmark this as a reminder for myself next year…
sitting in the car at the parking lot of the beach really says it all....
My husband and I made this decision (skipping travel with littles) before our first was born in 2020, and I’m so grateful we did. We love to travel, especially me, but it’s just not worth it with kids under five (or six?).
Our first getaway as parents is fast approaching - a flight and two nights away!! I’m very excited about more vacations like this, just the two of us, until the kids are bigger. 🩵
Thank you for writing and sharing this. I am sorry your trip was so stressful.
I’m so happy for you that you are getting a getaway. Enjoy every second of it!
I’m enjoying rereading one of my favorite posts of yours Katherine while on the drive home from our first solo family trip (ie not to visit or meet up with other family) as a family of 5. It actually went better than expected. Sure our almost 3 year old was a cranky, demanding little three-nager most days since he was off his normal nap schedule. My 8 and 11 year olds still fought and complained like normal. But they also had a ton of fun together, especially discovering the joy of boating on the lake and tubing together, which they equated to the second best day of their lives after Disneyland 🤣 Even though my toddler refused to even get in the lake, I thoroughly enjoyed seeing my older boys discover the joys of lake life, and I even had a few opportunities to lounge by the pool and read while my husband gladly opted to stay out of the sun while our toddler napped. We also ate out every night except for a simple hamburger dinner, and we slept in and didn’t over schedule our days, which made it feel more like vacation than just like a long weekend at home. I’m in no rush to travel again with our toddler until he’s done with diapers and naps (except for the obligatory holiday travel to see our families), but glad we picked one relaxing destination just a 3hr car ride away and only for 4 nights in a spacious condo. As opposed to our original plan of a week long road trip to visit 3 different friends 4-8hrs away, that definitely would’ve been a nightmare.
This sounds very civilized. I am happy for you you didn’t agree to the road trip
Great piece!
A big unlock for me was traveling somewhere we could pay for nearly full-time childcare. We were lucky to 1) have a personal connection at our destination so we weren't hiring a total stranger, and 2) the exchange rate worked in our favor and made the childcare much more affordable. Paying a responsible and lovely human to watch our baby 5-8 hours a day (and having family around as well to help the rest of the time) was a game changer and allowed the trip to feel like a vacation — most of the time (most, not all!). In the future I would rather travel less frequently but in more resourced way so that I'm not just parenting harder in a different location, but actually enjoying the experience too.
Less travel that is more resourced is definitely what I’m thinking about going forward
I'm feeling this in a big way right now, as we're traveling with our 6 and 9 year olds. I don't want to sound ungrateful, because we visit incredible places, but for me, it is mostly parenting hard in a beautiful place, with none of the supports of home. But it's also the dead zone before school starts when the summer camps are over and pools have reduced hours despite it being triple digits at home, so instead, why not try to make the kids get along all day, every day at the beach right?
It's actually a working vacation for my husband, so, as when we're at home, the bulk of the parenting falls to me. I did all the packing and prep to get here, and now it's the regular shopping and cooking, oh, and ordering school supplies and scheduling doctor's appointments from several time zones away. And trying to get in some of my own work is met with, "why don't you just have fun--we're on vacation!" I was contemplating whether it makes sense to ever do this again while on my way to the grocery earlier today...
Your suggestions are great. My husband refuses to travel without the kids, so my only true relaxation happens on solo trips, usually catching up with my girlfriends.
We took our 2 kids (9 and 13) to an all-inclusive resort at Cancun this year. There was a tropical depression when we got there, so cloudy, rainy and incredibly windy. Then on day 2, my youngest cut her head on the side of the pool and we had to get stitches. She could get them wet so we just went home early. We tried to make the best of it…and when I think about the money it makes me a bit sick. I think the lesson is you really can’t control things so keep your expectations in check.
This is such a brutal story given the kids ages, and the relative ease of an all inclusive vacation. This would seem primed to go really well….and yet.
You know, it took us 4 kids, singletons, over a decade of toddlers at this point, for my husband and I to realize that this year (with a 10/7/4/2 group) we were just…not going on vacation. Yes, we are travelling 3 times, because we live outside the U.S. far away, but we are are just…going to our house in the US and people are coming to see us. Is it stress free? No. But it’s just not worth the agony until the youngest is toilet trained :). I do think that trips can be great, but they have been both highest of highs and lowest of lows for us. So the average is…average? Kinda like staying at home!
For what it’s worth, I agree that saving for a big trip and spending on that trip is worth it rather than constantly stressing about cost while on the trip. We over time have come to prioritize spending on space where we stay, and economizing on other things like eating out with everyone. My kids are boring eaters. It’s depressing to pay 15 dollars for chicken tenders in Madrid. When we do travel we feed them homemade food in the room and then get babysitting and go out. Win win. But I will say - our kids, even the little ones, do remember the family adventures because it’s part of the family “lore” that the older ones pass to the younger ones. Even “remember when R barfed all over the train” level of lore :)
i despise spending money for my kids to eat out when they don't appreciate it. i've taken to letting one of the kids exclusively order french fries bc that's all he'll eat anyway.