Taking Back Mother’s Day from Other People’s Expectations
It annoys me that flowers and breakfast in bed are socially approved as enough “thanks.”
In this week’s newsletter, I’m revisiting some of last year’s thoughts on Mother’s Day which includes a Q and A for moms about making the holiday work for you.
As the mom of three young children, including pandemic twins, I have big feelings about Mother’s Day that have only gotten more complicated since the start of the pandemic. So here are my mixed feelings: on the one hand, I believe we should pay tribute to all of the love and unpaid labor mothers give to families that keep society going, and I like that Mother’s Day has radical roots as a protest holiday.On the other hand, I don’t understand how minor tokens of appreciation on this holiday are seen as an effective counterweight to society treating mothers as the shock absorbers of failed public policy. It also annoys me that hopefully waiting for flowers or breakfast in bed is a socially approved anticipation ritual and the total of the “thanks” many mothers get from male partners who don’t pull their weight at home every other day of the year; mothers, on the whole, do disproportionate amounts of care and domestic labor even when both partners work full time.
I’m also annoyed that the tradition has turned into a capitalist bonanza with icky marketing. Lately, I’ve been targeted with ads that specifically encourage mothers to buy jewelry and clothing for themselves since marketers realize women do more shopping than men anyway. It’s so convenient for consumer capitalism to convince moms that society's failure to recognize our labor is one more thing we should be expected to compensate ourselves for.
Ok, so how do we make lemonade from this lemon-filled holiday? I had my own personal Mother’s Day turning point in May 2020. My twins were three months old, and we were at the “playgrounds still closed” level of lockdown. That afternoon, I had a complete meltdown about how my life was going to be miserable forever, which involved throwing things and crying while lying on the kitchen floor. I’d organized an outdoor Mother’s Day socially distanced gathering for some friends at the park that I was late to and tried to smile through, but by the end of the day, I was pretty sure I was hitting rock bottom with postpartum depression and sought help the next week. It was a dark day.
In 2021, I decided to reclaim the holiday to cleanse the bad memories from the year before. So several weeks in advance, a good friend and I decided to take our vaccinated selves for massages at a fancy Country Inn spa, followed by tea and treats at an outdoor cafe. It was lovely and just what I needed. Since those pandemic holidays, I’ve decided I no longer want to wait and see if a fulfilling Mother’s Day would be provided for me. While I like the idea of making the holiday restorative, I reject the notion that women should be passive about getting what they need. In our society, mothers actively choosing time for themselves and pursuing rest is an act of defiance. Changing my perspective has redeemed the holiday for me, and I want to empower you to consider finding your own way to make Mother’s Day feel restorative for you.
First, take a moment to decide what you want for Mother’s Day. The answer may come to you instantly, or you may have to unearth your suppressed desires and even process feelings of unworthiness or guilt about how you want to spend the day. If you feel stuck, get out a pen and paper and brainstorm 10 ideas, and see what speaks to you. And if you are reading this and you aren’t a mom yourself, open up conversations with moms in your life about giving them the day they really want.
Ok, so now I’m gonna run through some Q and As aimed at moms about the nuances of pulling this off.
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Q: I already plan everything in my family. Why do I have to plan my own Mother’s Day?
A: You don’t have to plan your own Mother’s Day, but if you have a partner who never plans anything, or you are the default planner, odds are they aren’t going to nail exactly what you want without explicit instruction. I am not a fan of dropping hints. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect partners to intuit our needs and desires. If you know what you want for Mother’s Day, be clear about it weeks in advance. If it involves a partner making reservations and booking things in advance and you are stressed they won’t do it in time, just do it yourself so there are no avoidable disappointments.
Q: My partner plans activities and gifts for Mother’s Day. I don’t want to appear ungrateful, but it’s not what I want. How should I handle this?
A: I’d suggest not framing it as a criticism, but instead sharing that you are excited to do something different this year and propose your idea. Don’t just shoot down their suggestions if you have no ideas of your own.
Q: Mother’s Day in my family gets shared with my own mother/mother-in-law/sister so how I actually want to spend the day gets backburnered. What should I do about this?
A: Consider if it’s possible to bow out of larger family celebrations for Mother’s Day if they don’t spark joy. If that isn’t possible, or you enjoy them, but just don’t feel like they are fully what you need, consider planning your own completely separate Mother’s Day celebration the following weekend or another day. In my area, Mother’s Day is also Graduation Day at the two nearby universities, so EVERYTHING is a zoo.
This year, I’m continuing a newer tradition of celebrating Mother’s Day on a different weekend, so the Sunday before Mother’s Day I’m doing a beauty appointment, brunch with friends, and going to a friend’s vintage sale.
Q: I’m a single mom or I don’t have a partner who’s going to provide any gifts or childcare for Mother’s Day. How do I plan a Mother’s Day I’m happy with?
A: Mother’s Day doesn’t have to embody cliches in order for it to work for your family and be something you want to do. It can be getting together with other single mom friends for a picnic, planning something nice for yourself when you have time alone (if you share custody) or just treating yourself to an easy day, like letting your kids play video games while you binge Succession and order your favorite takeout.
Q: I want a break from my children on Mother’s Day. Should I feel guilty about this?
A: Hell no.
Q: Money is tight right now and/or I have a hard time doing things that require spending money on myself. What should I plan?
A: The most precious thing you can give yourself is time. There are lots of ways to claim time for yourself without spending money, like going for a hike, spending the night in your sister’s guest room, catching up with a friend, or just enjoying a hobby. Just beware of and fight the urge to “get things done” or do chores during any “time off” on Mother’s Day. This is a day to honor your labor by resting!
Q: Mother’s Day is a painful holiday for me because I’m dealing with a loss, have a difficult relationship with my own mother, or for some other reason. How should I navigate Mother’s Day this year?
A: Whatever feels most nurturing to you. No need to put on a fake smile and participate in activities if you are really not feeling it. And if the way you feel most honored as a mom is to not celebrate or acknowledge the holiday, then that is a-ok. Just be sure to stay off social media!
I hope this has given you some inspo and permission to make this holiday something that feels truly good and nurturing to you. And if you want to gift yourself the most feminist of gifts that keep on giving, join our Double Shift membership community. Challenging the status quo of motherhood in community along with supporting a mom-run small business is the present that you can enjoy all year round!
Offer is good until 11:59PM EST Sunday May 12th when upgrading from monthly to yearly or purchasing an annual membership for the first time.
Upcoming events you should know about
May 15th at 2PM EST: Join The Better Life Lab at New America and the CareForce to discuss the transformative power of care. Care is a long-ignored force in our collective and political lives, as well as a deeply philosophical, spiritual, and psychologically potent experience, explored in the new book by Elissa Strauss, When You Care: The Unexpected Magic of Caring for Others. Elissa will be joined in conversation by Sian-Pierre Regis, a New America National Fellow, who is featured in the book and whose journey as a caregiver to his mother was the focus of his debut documentary, Duty Free. The conversation will be moderated by YOURS TRULY! RSVP required. Go here. See ya next week!
Attention NC Double Shifters: The Child Care for NC coalition is planning a Day of Action on May 16, 2024 and they need YOU! “It will take all of us raising our voices to show our elected representatives in the General Assembly what is at stake if they don’t act now. Meet us in Raleigh!” If you are interested in fighting for childcare funding as we face our state’s childcare “cliff” come on out to let legislators know that letting funding expire is unacceptable. This is organized by the National Domestic Workers Alliance and other great partners. It will be a powerful day.
Thank you so much for this reminder Katherine. I do tend to be very underwhelmed on this day as my husband and kids are not big planners. I will definitely be planning my own day away from my kids for some other weekend, since Sunday holidays generally are not very enjoyable for me being married to a pastor.
As a single mom, I have had very low expectations for Mother’s Day, and have usually spent it honoring my own mother. But now that my son is older, I see him making an effort, even so far as to ask me if I’d like to go out for a meal together, his treat.
That said, I always found it funny that my ex would think I’d want to have my son home for Mother’s Day — when I had him with me 90% of the time. I tried to explain that a truly restful Mother’s Day for most moms would be a day alone.