Three Secret Sauces For Connection You Should Know
Plus: Let’s map our connections!
I’ve done about 15 interviews this year for my book about community building, and even at this early stage, I’m starting to see some very clear trends.
One that’s popped out at me right away is how often I’ve heard in interviews, “If people want to find community, they should definitely consider joining...” followed by a broad, enthusiastic list. “A choir!” “A Dungeons and Dragons group!” “A community theater!” “A roller derby league!”
It’s already clear to me that the exact details of the activity bringing people together don’t usually matter; it’s that the people who are doing it are all very into that activity and are coming together to do it regularly in a structured way.
Last week’s post about the difference between friendship and community outlined the “magnets” that unite people to form communities. I identify the magnets as shared values, activities, identity, and/or a sense of purpose. I also highlighted that it’s essential for communities to have IRL connections, a sense of mutuality, and regular meetings.
So let’s go deeper on this. Imagine having five golden tokens per week you can “invest” in a community. This investment can look like volunteering to do a task, having an extended conversation with another community member, or even attending a gathering. These golden tokens comprise some alchemical combination of your time, money, and bandwidth. Ideally, you’d have two to four communities where you are depositing tokens regularly. More than four, and it’s easy to spread yourself too thin. If you only have one, it may mean you are putting too many tokens in one circle. Over time (but not overnight!), investing those tokens regularly and wisely may result in some combination of joy, comfort, meaningful connections, friendships, and a group of people you feel, know, and care about. There may be some ebb and flow where you deposit these tokens, but general consistency is important.
Many things in this world will try to market to you that they are a community, especially if they have a strong reason to want your time, bandwidth, or, most likely, your money. These activities marketed as “community” can distract us from spending our tokens thoughtfully.
That’s why I want to highlight three extremely concrete things that will help you think about how to spend your tokens wisely.
Here’s the list:
