These are great tips, especially thinking about how we can avoid contributing to them. I will definitely put the individual contact about not attending in my pocket to use when that comes up. One thing that I would encourage is not rescheduling if people can't come. If even one person can meet you, it is worthwhile because you get the practice of making time for community and adding one more connection to build upon. Once you get more than a few people, it is really hard to get everyone in one place at one time and it is easy to lose momentum if you are waiting on perfect. To me, this is the difference between community-building and friendship. If you are meeting up with your friends, the priority is obviously the individual people. If it is about community, then it is less about the individual people and more about the event itself.
Hi Katherine, the beauty is in the simplicity of your suggestions. And ao often, we complicate and overthink the simplest things. Thanks for penning this.
tbh the real killer here isn't logistics it's the group treating silence like a mystery instead of an answer. those two people not responding? that IS their response. they're either in or they'll catch the next one. the actual problem is nobody wants to be the one who "decides for the group" bc it feels like you're excluding people when really you're just... leading. every dead group chat i've ever seen died the same way, not bc someone picked the wrong day but bc everyone waited for permission that was never coming. be the person who sends "we're doing thursday, hope you can make it" and watch how fast things move.
I’m in a group in which there are maybe 2 members sometimes 3 who never ever attend or respond. I’m often the initiator of events but not always. I’d like to not include these people but then when someone else hosts they do (and those people still don’t show up or respond) and it gets awkward bc I want to use a different text group.
non responders are really a drag! I might recommend checking in on them 1:1 and give them an out… “I know how busy things are, but just wanted to check in to see if you are still interested in XYZ group. We haven’t heard from you in a while.” if they don’t respond to that, i think it’s fine to start a new group without them on it, (and give it a name so everyone uses that one) and just clarify at the next gathering that you’ve reached out to them and they aren’t interested or haven’t gotten in touch 1:1 so it’s ok to assume they aren’t coming anymore.
Love all these tips Katherine! I have experienced the hanging text thread and cancel cascade so many times with my group of 5 that has done (mostly) monthly video calls for the past 12 (!) years. We have a shared Google Calendar and put the monthly time on there but someone usually checks in the week of and since we’re such a small group, if one person is out we reschedule, and sometimes just end up having to wait until the following month. Not ideal but we all have FOMO I guess! 😂 I love your civic pod idea and really want to join (or start) a group like that to combat the feelings of total dread in our politics right now, any tips on how to find/start one?
i wrote about my civic pod last year, but it’s a great idea to write a how-to before the next election cycle kicks fully into gear! I’m happy to report we’re still hanging out and chatting 1.5 years later!
ok, I skimmed, might have overlooked this, but: you do have to deal with the mentally challenged member who does a DoS attack on discussion airtime. (Unless purpose of group is purely social, or if shutting out a newcomer is paramount.)
Re a newcomer, I believe there is a plethora of approaches if the goal is to make someone with higher standards feel unwelcome, or feel uneasy about attending. Maybe they're only implemented online though.
These are great tips, especially thinking about how we can avoid contributing to them. I will definitely put the individual contact about not attending in my pocket to use when that comes up. One thing that I would encourage is not rescheduling if people can't come. If even one person can meet you, it is worthwhile because you get the practice of making time for community and adding one more connection to build upon. Once you get more than a few people, it is really hard to get everyone in one place at one time and it is easy to lose momentum if you are waiting on perfect. To me, this is the difference between community-building and friendship. If you are meeting up with your friends, the priority is obviously the individual people. If it is about community, then it is less about the individual people and more about the event itself.
agree with this assessment. We can’t let the “perfect” ie, full attendance be the enemy of the good… some amount of connection.
This is incredibly helpful! I recognize all of these scenarios..........
Thank you!
This is fantastic. We are currently running into this issue with community building in our neighborhood.
glad it’s helpful. lmk if these suggestions work!
Hi Katherine, the beauty is in the simplicity of your suggestions. And ao often, we complicate and overthink the simplest things. Thanks for penning this.
These are fantastic tips! Sharing your post in my newsletter this week.
Thanks for amplifying!
tbh the real killer here isn't logistics it's the group treating silence like a mystery instead of an answer. those two people not responding? that IS their response. they're either in or they'll catch the next one. the actual problem is nobody wants to be the one who "decides for the group" bc it feels like you're excluding people when really you're just... leading. every dead group chat i've ever seen died the same way, not bc someone picked the wrong day but bc everyone waited for permission that was never coming. be the person who sends "we're doing thursday, hope you can make it" and watch how fast things move.
Oh my god this is so good.
I’m in a group in which there are maybe 2 members sometimes 3 who never ever attend or respond. I’m often the initiator of events but not always. I’d like to not include these people but then when someone else hosts they do (and those people still don’t show up or respond) and it gets awkward bc I want to use a different text group.
non responders are really a drag! I might recommend checking in on them 1:1 and give them an out… “I know how busy things are, but just wanted to check in to see if you are still interested in XYZ group. We haven’t heard from you in a while.” if they don’t respond to that, i think it’s fine to start a new group without them on it, (and give it a name so everyone uses that one) and just clarify at the next gathering that you’ve reached out to them and they aren’t interested or haven’t gotten in touch 1:1 so it’s ok to assume they aren’t coming anymore.
Love all these tips Katherine! I have experienced the hanging text thread and cancel cascade so many times with my group of 5 that has done (mostly) monthly video calls for the past 12 (!) years. We have a shared Google Calendar and put the monthly time on there but someone usually checks in the week of and since we’re such a small group, if one person is out we reschedule, and sometimes just end up having to wait until the following month. Not ideal but we all have FOMO I guess! 😂 I love your civic pod idea and really want to join (or start) a group like that to combat the feelings of total dread in our politics right now, any tips on how to find/start one?
i wrote about my civic pod last year, but it’s a great idea to write a how-to before the next election cycle kicks fully into gear! I’m happy to report we’re still hanging out and chatting 1.5 years later!
https://thedoubleshift.substack.com/p/can-starting-a-civic-pod-give-you-989?utm_source=publication-search
Thanks!!
ok, I skimmed, might have overlooked this, but: you do have to deal with the mentally challenged member who does a DoS attack on discussion airtime. (Unless purpose of group is purely social, or if shutting out a newcomer is paramount.)
This is a completely different problem, one of “difficult characters” that I don’t cover here but am writing about in my book!
Re a newcomer, I believe there is a plethora of approaches if the goal is to make someone with higher standards feel unwelcome, or feel uneasy about attending. Maybe they're only implemented online though.
(attending IRL I mean. and not being difficult)