5 Reasons Your Group has Lost Momentum
And what to do about it
There are so many people out there (myself included), encouraging folks to gather! Join groups! Host! Build community! I see all of these encouragements as instrumental to our personal well-being and crucial for a functioning society. But the devil, as always, is in the details. So often, groups of people get together for one-off events or try to get momentum going on regular gatherings, and it just kinda.... dies. Not because there was some dramatic break or falling out, but because getting together regularly in modern life is just more difficult than it should be.
I want your groups to flourish and not falter over logistics. So I’m sharing the top five reasons that I’ve seen that groups wither, and what you can do about it if it’s happening to your group.
The hanging text thread:
Say after about three dozen (or 3,000!) text messages, your cookbook club has decided on a book, date, and time for the next meeting. Most of the group has chimed in, but two people haven’t responded. It feels awkward to lock in a time without them weighing in because you don’t want to exclude them, but if you wait too long, you may lose momentum on the gathering, and people’s schedules may get booked up. It’s unclear whether the time doesn’t work for them, they aren’t interested in coming, or they’re just not responding. What should you do?
How to course correct: Anyone (it doesn’t have to be a “leader” or host) can check in privately with the non-responder(s) and ask if they are still down to participate. Keep an open mind that there might be a very valid reason they haven’t responded, and don’t assume they are being flaky or selfish. If you don’t get a response or clarity about whether they want to participate within 24 hours, go ahead and move forward with scheduling without them. At your next in-person gathering, talk about whether it’s possible to set a standing regular meeting time to cut down on these derailing exchanges, or at a minimum, set the next meeting time when you are all together.
The cancel cascade:
You’ve got a date, time, and plan for your gathering. But the day of, a chipper reminder message from the host is sent to the group, which is met with a whole bunch of, “So sorry, turns out I can’t make it.” “I’m so wiped from a hard week. Have fun without me!” This absolutely halts any momentum and enthusiasm for the gathering, leaving people planning to attend wondering whether anyone else is going, whether they are lame for going, and whether they should bail too.
How to course correct: Consider, in the future, sending people individual reminder messages that make it clear you are specifically excited to see them. Sometimes, group messages unintentionally convey to people that, since others were invited, it doesn’t matter whether they show up. Try individual messages saying things like, “Just a reminder, the potluck starts at 7. I can’t wait to try your cheese puffs and hear about the new puppy!” Feeling like people care about their presence can go a long way to preventing last-minute cancellations.
If you are an attendee, don’t contribute to a cancel cascade on a group message. If you can’t make it, tell the organizer privately, even if they didn’t request it. If you will be there, reply right away to the reminder message with something positive like, “so excited to see you all soon!”
No one is taking the initiative on future events:
Say there’s a new monthly crochet circle that’s going great. People are showing up, having fun, and it seems like it could be the start of a wonderful community. After Sarah hosts three times in a row, she mentions she’d be interested in others hosting as well, so it’s not at her house every time. Everyone agrees that sounds fair. Your crochet group continues chatting occasionally on text, but no one steps up to host the next gathering, and a few months go by with no meetings.
How to course correct: If you are the “Sarah” of the group, reach out to some group members one-on-one and ask whether they are open to hosting the next time. A personal request lands differently than something thrown out to a whole group. If they are hesitant, find out why. Perhaps they feel it’s hard to organize snacks and drinks, or they have cats and members of the group are allergic. See if you can help troubleshoot what barriers they are facing to host (“how about we just meet on your screened-in porch instead?” Or, “I’ll bring the snacks, so don’t worry about that.”)
If you are a participant who isn’t stepping up to host, think about what you feel is holding you back, share it with the group, and see if there is a solution. For example, you could say, “Hey y’all, I can host, but I’m a little self-conscious because my living room is a lot smaller than Sarah’s. A few folks with have to sit on cushions on the floor. Is that OK?” Or, “It’s really hard for me to host because it’s right in the middle of my kids going to bed. For my turn ‘hosting,’ can we agree to meet at The Union St Coffee Shop?”
The group has lost focus:
Sometimes the “magnet” that brings a group together is a specific project, such as a fundraiser or a campaign. Once it’s over, even if you’ve made great connections, it can be hard to keep that group going strong. So what should you do if you want to keep going with the connections you’ve built, but your group is falling apart because the reason you were getting together has disappeared?
How to course-correct: Maybe your fundraiser crew for a local arts group can pivot into becoming a monthly movie night, or neighbors who worked together on a big rezoning campaign can switch to a neighborhood potluck to catch up on local news. But don’t pretend your group will still work without a conversation and a clearly articulated reason and magnet for why you want to keep getting together. This may be a point where there’s a natural attrition or reshuffling of members, which is OK.
Here’s an example from my own life. I got a group of moms together in a chat thread who all volunteered around the 2024 election. We’d share news, stay up on local races, and it was a great place to find a buddy to go canvassing or volunteering with. After the election, that could have been the end of the group until the 2026 midterms. But we met in person after the election, decided to keep the group going, and agreed to change its focus. Rather than being primarily a group doing election volunteering, we decided to become a “civic pod,” where we’d share thoughts on local politics, keep each other plugged into events, and meet monthly at a dive bar with delicious fries. That gave our group another purpose beyond election volunteering. We’ve strengthened our connections over the last year and a half and are planning to do more election work together this fall.
The group is too big or too small:
Often, when we are enthusiastic about our experience in a community and its potential, we are inclined to invite others to join. This is a wonderful and generous thought, but it’s important to remember that bigger isn’t always better. Constantly adding new people or having a lot of people in a group can undermine trust if every gathering feels like everyone is starting from square one, and can make logistics, like finding a big enough space, too challenging. If your group is too small, you may not have enough people to regularly attend your events or keep forward momentum, which can hinder the group’s existence.
How to course correct if your group is too big: Restarting with a smaller group can be a solution. For example, inviting eight people who actually regularly read the book to restart a book club from an unwieldy group of 30 that had stopped meeting. Once you get a group to a more manageable size, discuss in person what you think the best size is. Create some ground rules for inviting new people (like “at the start of year, we see who wants to keep going, and then invite new people to join us based on how many people are down for the following year”). That way, no one feels personally turned down if they have a suggestion for someone to invite at a different time of year, and it cuts down on people constantly coming in and out.
How to course correct if your group is too small: If, for example, you want to build a community around the magnet of neighbors playing a four-person+ card game. If you only invite four people in total, anytime one person can’t come, the gathering has to be cancelled. Having eight people invited may better ensure that at least four people can attend every game night.
All right, Double Shifters, I’d LOVE to hear from you about challenges to keeping groups going and how you solved them. Please share your thoughts and stories in the comments.
Also: If you have a question, problem, or conundrum about community relationships for my new advice column, email me at askthedoubleshift@gmail.com!
Next week, I’ll be writing for paying members about the types of conflict that derail groups, so consider subscribing and upgrading to make sure you don’t miss it.
These are great tips, especially thinking about how we can avoid contributing to them. I will definitely put the individual contact about not attending in my pocket to use when that comes up. One thing that I would encourage is not rescheduling if people can't come. If even one person can meet you, it is worthwhile because you get the practice of making time for community and adding one more connection to build upon. Once you get more than a few people, it is really hard to get everyone in one place at one time and it is easy to lose momentum if you are waiting on perfect. To me, this is the difference between community-building and friendship. If you are meeting up with your friends, the priority is obviously the individual people. If it is about community, then it is less about the individual people and more about the event itself.
This is incredibly helpful! I recognize all of these scenarios..........