The Life-Changing Magic of Forgetting Your Phone at Home

For a vast majority of human history, it was acceptable for a mother to sometimes be unreachable.

It was a Friday. I’d spent the day solo parenting and not getting much work done due to a magical scenario that often befalls working parents. One of my kids needed to stay home from school due to barfing the previous day, but was also acting healthy and energetic all throughout the “sick day.”  The best combo.

I already had four hours of childcare booked that evening, and with my husband out of town, and the child now recovered, I desperately wanted a chill Friday night to myself. I planned to go to the gym, get a pedicure, and then do an hour of reading alone as I ate dinner at a restaurant. I needed this.

When I arrived at the gym and got out my phone to play Netflix while I did the elliptical, I realized I’d left it plugged in at home by my bedside table. I thought about running back for it. I thought about how I could rearrange my plans and rush to swing by the house in between my activities so I’d only be without it for an hour rather than all evening. But then I let out a little exhale and decided to just not do it. I was going to trust the world would not end if I was unreachable for four hours.

I can give you a nice long list of why this moment wasn’t the ideal time to try this. One of my kids had been sick the previous day. What if he threw up again? My husband was out of town and getting on a stage, also basically unreachable. I hadn’t told anyone I’d be phoneless. What if I needlessly worried people by not responding to messages? But knowing the kids were with a trusted caregiver and the odds of a true emergency were low, I did it anyway. And it was glorious.

Even as I’ve cut way down on my social media usage and felt it’s been great for my mental health, texting, googling, reading the news, listening to music, listening to podcasts, doing internet errands like ordering Instacart groceries, listening to and sending Marco Polo messages, and checking email provide constant distractions, and I now realize encroach on time I’ve set aside for truly relaxing. So for my phone-free time, I watched closed-captioned HGTV while working out, and let my mind relax and wander in the quiet while I stretched instead of putting more inputs into my brain by listening to music or a podcast. 

By the time I’d showered and reached the nail salon, I was already feeling less harried and like some of my springs had been unwound. As I got a pedicure, I read my book and occasionally peaked at the ridiculous reality show, Selling Sunset, which was airing on the salon TV. The fact that I didn’t have my phone hovered in my mind semi-constantly, but I didn’t let the anxiety of what I might be missing overtake me. It honestly felt thrilling that no one could bother me. Even as I felt a pull of curiosity (or maybe an addictive impulse to check) who might be trying to reach me, a feeling of relaxation kept growing through the evening. As I took myself out for tacos, I people-watched and read instead of letting my phone be a security blanket shielding me from any self-consciousness about dining in a popular restaurant alone on a Friday night.

I’d been feeling stuck in a funk for a few weeks, and just four phone-free hours felt like it totally reset me. As I reflected on the experience, it began to seem more and more absurd to me that I even allow something into my pocket that’s brimming with distractions to take me away from fully unwinding during my extremely precious time away from work and caregiving. This impromptu experiment made me feel like I want to not just be more militant about silencing apps or limiting notifications, but actually just leave the damn thing home and away from me on a much more regular basis. Some of you may be thinking, “I could never do this,” and are ready to list a bunch of valid reasons why you must be reachable at all times. I’m not here to tell anyone else how to live. I’m just cracking open a tiny portal into another way humans can exist.

As the national conversation is at a fever pitch about smartphone usage and social media consumption among kids and teens, so rarely do we look in the mirror at how we justify phones as total appendages to every aspect of adult life. But honestly, the more we look inward and untether ourselves from our devices, I believe the more we can help our kids to do the same. We’ve also normalized that parents and caregivers need to be immediately available at a moment’s notice at all times. I think it’s time to question this assumption. 

For a vast majority of human history, it was acceptable for a mother to sometimes be unreachable. And it’s starting to dawn on me that being constantly connected has costs of its own, even if you are using your phone for socially acceptable “responsible” purposes. For many of us who feel overwhelmed by the mental load of parenting and the lack of structural support for families, maybe sometimes “forgetting” your phone at home or otherwise being unavailable is a form of resistance to a society that expects too much of us. 

I would love to hear your stories of phone-free breaks (intentional or otherwise) in the comments.

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