How a Six Pound Dog Transformed My Relationship to My Neighbors

A guest post about a dog named Spaghetti

Today’s newsletter is a personal essay written by writer, editor, and researcher Madysen Luebke. I’m extremely fortunate to work with Madysen, who is the research assistant on my book, so she’s also spent a lot of professional time thinking about community building in the last year+. I personally do not have any pets, (three human boys is enough for me to take care of, thanks very much.) However, I’ve been interested in how pets, and specifically dogs, can be a catalyst for us to practice our social skills and deepen our relationships with our neighbors. Madysen’s experience is a fantastic example of this. Please enjoy her thoughtful guest post. --- Katherine

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Madysen and Spaghetti in Brooklyn

In March 2020, I’d recently finished grad school when my then fiancé and I moved into a 1-bedroom rental apartment in Boerum Hill, Brooklyn. The pandemic and its aftermath weren’t a great time to meet people, plus I’m a bit of an introvert. So while I loved the idea of living on Sesame Street, where all neighbors know each other and get along, I had no idea how to strike up conversations with complete strangers. I also didn’t think it was possible to meet many people in an urban neighborhood without front yards and porches.

That all changed the moment Spaghetti stepped on the block.

After three years of living in our current apartment, my now husband and I adopted a 4-month-old Yorkie puppy that we named Spaghetti. We both had wanted a dog for years, but it took a while to find the right one. He was cute, and he knew it. He also wasn’t house trained, so those first few weeks we spent a lot of time outside: 3 longer walks a day, plus twenty to thirty other short trips outside to wait for him to use the bathroom.

Spaghetti would sit, tip-tapping his front feet in place with excitement for everyone who walked by. He was an invitation to say hello; a tiny but powerful magnet. If someone stopped on the street to interact with our little pup, and I wasn’t sure what to say, I just said, “his name is Spaghetti,” and we were off. It was the ultimate icebreaker. Folks immediately shared fun family dog names. Kids on the street would shriek in excitement because spaghetti was their favorite food. Elderly women shared stories about their tiny dogs who had passed away.

Before Spaghetti, I only knew the people who lived in the other 7 apartments in my building. I recognized some people and would occasionally nod hello, but more often than not, I’d be one of the many people walking quickly, headphones in. But those first few weeks with the dog, I met hundreds of neighbors. Some I never saw again, others I saw daily. I quickly developed a set of questions to ask while people said hi to Spaghetti. If they also had a dog: What’s your dog’s name? How old are they? What kind of dog is she? If they didn’t: Do you have a dog? How long have you lived in the neighborhood? Or I’d notice they were wearing a specific hat, for example, an Omaha Film Festival hat, and ask about that. I found a fellow former-Nebraskan on the block that way. After a few run-ins, we’d exchange names and cross streets, and have learned enough about each other that we’d built a rapport. My husband deserves a shout-out here: he likes to chat with people, plus a man with a tiny puppy is quite disarming. Spaghetti allowed us to meet the neighbor who had lived here the longest: Susan, an 85-year-old artist who’d lived on the block for 57 years who had covered the facade of her building in a giant mosaic. Susan fell in love with Spaghetti immediately, and we spent many warm afternoons standing in front of her building, listening to stories as she added to the mosaics and chatted with whoever stopped to admire it.

Seeing some neighbors multiple times a day, many days of the week, fast-tracked relationships, and got me using my social skills more often and in a whole new way. However, it still took months for my relationships with my neighbors to progress to the point where we exchanged numbers or followed each other on social media. At first, it felt like we didn’t need contact information because we knew we’d run into each other at some point, but eventually we wanted to make plans for the dogs to play together or to share a recipe we’d mentioned.

After a year of conversations with Spaghetti around, some neighbors became real friends, who we would grab dinner with or who I added to my homemade runza rotation. (These are a Nebraska-specific dish that my grandma always makes, and that I get a hankering for at least once a year. One batch makes a lot, and I’ve got a growing list of people who always request a couple.) A major turning point and moment of vulnerability came when we asked one neighbor-couple we’d gotten to know if they would be willing to dogsit for a week. I worried it was too big of an ask of neighbors we were at more of a beginning-level friendship with, but I reminded myself often that it’s important to give people the chance to show up for you. I knew I trusted them, but I was scared when we asked that they’d think it was too much of a burden. As it turns out, it wasn’t a burden at all; they were so happy to have him and we became closer friends as a result.

But even more than one-off friendships, Spaghetti let me tap into a pre-existing neighborhood culture I didn’t know existed. Prior to the pandemic, there were annual block parties, which have since restarted. Susan’s been out front working on her mosaics since 2001. Many of the homeowners on the block have lived here for at least 30 years. It could have been a difficult community to break into; there are a lot of other renters who don’t engage, but Spaghetti was our key to unlocking new kinds of connections.

“The Mayor”

I’ve always been a big believer in community care — I grew up with a disabled mom who modelled it well for me. I knew in theory that we all live on this street together, we should take care of each other, but now I know how to dive into a new place and put that into practice. Introducing myself and getting to know people has gotten infinitely easier as I’ve practiced and met more people. At the last block party, we got to introduce a couple of newer neighbors who had a lot in common. Two summers ago, an elderly woman tripped while my husband was outside, and with the help of our building’s superintendent, they got in contact with her daughter. Spaghetti served as a therapy dog while my husband escorted the woman home. Another time when we were walking, Spaghetti, we saw an unhoused neighbor passed out and unresponsive on the sidewalk. We called 911, and the operator asked my husband to check if he was breathing and wait with him, where a neighbor quickly joined him to wait until the EMTs showed up. People have shown up for us, too. One neighbor stopped by with biscotti the morning after the 2024 election, so we didn’t have to all sit home alone. Another couple invited us to their Hanukkah party, and others coordinated last-minute celebratory drinks after I finished a 50-mile bike ride to raise money for the MS Society. One neighbor even found out that my husband had never tried lasagna before and threw a dinner party, making her Nonna’s recipe (including noodles from scratch!) just so he could have a good first taste. Because we know our neighbors, we feel more confident and capable of helping to continue the sense of community care in our neighborhood.

I give Spaghetti a lot of credit, but getting a dog isn’t magic. I already had the desire to be an active member of my neighborhood. Having a dog just gave me a chance to do a ton of practice with my social muscles of talking to strangers and asking for help. It was completely on me to grow the relationships and take them to a deeper level. Looking back, here are some choices we made that helped build our relationships with neighbors over time:

1. We gave our dog a silly name that invites comments and conversation. People can’t help but smile or laugh when we share his name, and we can’t help but smile when a little kid calls him “pasketti.”

2. We generally let our dog greet other friendly dogs and use the time to make small talk. This can be controversial, so do what you feel is best. This was only an option for us, though, because Spaghetti is a very calm, well-behaved dog who doesn’t bark nor get territorial. We’ve still made friends with people whose dogs are very reactive — we wave from far away when the dogs are with us, and save chatting for when one or both of them are left at home.

3. We always say hi. We never pretend not to recognize a neighbor (even if they don’t recognize us without Spaghetti) or look at our phones to avoid saying hello. We say hi to strangers who smile at Spaghetti and encourage people to greet him, saying “he loves to say hi, if you want to pet him.” Spaghetti has been called the Mayor of our street, so it’s his duty.

4. We took our time. Most of our relationships were built up over the course of a year or more. In some cases, it took us months to even learn each other’s names, let alone get a coffee or exchange phone numbers.

It helps to live in dense and walkable Brooklyn, but we’ve found these tips still work when we’ve visited family in suburbs and less walkable cities. They also aren’t exclusive to dog ownership. Say hi to the dogs in your neighborhood, wave to your neighbors, spend time outside, and take your time letting these small interactions build.

I had no idea that getting a dog would lead me to fall in love with my neighborhood like it has. I love that each time I step outside, I run into someone I know. It’s transformed the block from a place that I live into somewhere I’m deeply invested in, even if there are still a number of people who only know me as “Spaghetti’s mom.” I never want to move away, but even if we can’t stay in this apartment forever, I am no longer someone whose default will be to keep to myself. I have the social muscles and know how to let a little hello blossom into a rewarding relationship.

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If you have stories about dogs/pets transforming your relationship with your neighbors, I’d love to hear about them in the comments!- Katherine

Also, I’m going to be working in some more shout-outs and recs into my work this year, starting with…..

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