8 Ways to Embrace “Deep Casual Hosting” (So You’ll Actually Do It)

How to prioritize connection over exhausting Instagram expectations

No Dress code for deep causal hosting. Photo by Wesley Tingey on Unsplash

A great way to get to know people and deepen relationships is to share a meal together in your home. Allowing people to see how you live, what books you have on the shelves, what decoration you have on the walls, and the closet overflowing with sports equipment in the hallway is an act of vulnerability. It’s a meaningful bid for connection. Once I understood my rhythms and limits of hosting, I found that having people over for a meal is an easier way to connect than many alternatives. It is a built-in playdate for my kids, and putting on a movie after the kids eat allows for actual, meaningful conversations between adults.

What is “Deep Casual Hosting?”

Let me introduce you to my concept: “deep casual hosting.” In this method of hosting, you are going casual on the surface, so you can go deeper with your connections and relationships by regularly gathering in a more relaxed setting. Think of this as “having someone over for supper.” It is the opposite of elaborate, memorable dinner parties, the supposed hot trend of 2024/25. In a society that demands SO much from us, we can only pull off regular hosting if we set realistic standards. I want your dinner (brunch, lunch, campfire weenie roast, etc.) gathering to feel totally doable for you, and not require much (or any) more than you’d do for yourself or your family WITHOUT guests. I’m not suggesting this just because it’s a time saver. Deep casual hosting sets a tone for others that they can also host without massive efforts and preparations. This method isn’t JUST about making hosting easier for you; it’s about contributing to a culture among your communities where regular connection is more critical than four-hour recipes and sparkling floors. I personally would rather have a more robust, meaningful social life filled with many ongoing casual opportunities for connection than a few formal, high-effort events/invitations per year.

Here’s how you can bring deep casual hosting into your life.

1. Don’t Aim to Wow. Some of us were taught that having people over to dinner should be an opportunity to impress people. We may be grappling with messages that dinner guests are exactly who you should try to dazzle with your cooking skills, your hosting talents, or your home decor. But here’s my suggestion: If you want meaningful connections with your guests, don’t aim to wow. Think about your hosting as something to make people welcome and comfortable, and also showing some vulnerability around what your life and house are really like. Also, deep casual hosting is not something others would have to spend a lot of time and/or money to reciprocate. The more stops you pull out, the more intimidating it will be for others to invite you to their house. (More on this at the end.)

2. Embrace a “Minimum Viable Cleanliness” standard. Feeling like our houses “aren’t clean enough” to have people over is a huge hurdle that can take some self-work. Many people are raised with exacting standards about how a house should look “for company” that don’t fit into our modern world with work and caregiving demands. When my family’s home is clean, it stays that way for approximately 47 seconds because, kids. I’ve come to accept this and have set for myself what I call a minimum viable cleanliness standard before we have people over for a casual dinner. It involves making sure the guest bathroom is free of biohazards and clearing things off the floor near the door and the living room so no one trips. That’s it. Sometimes, when people see our overflowing shoe rack, I’ll crack and joke like, “Don’t worry, we didn’t clean up for you.” And that usually puts everyone immediately at ease. It's easier to extend an invitation now that I know it won't require hours of cleaning.

3. Embrace The Space You Have. Most of us don’t have large dining rooms or perfect spaces for “entertaining.” If you don’t have a big enough table, have people eat in the living room on the couch. Use paper plates if you can’t deal with the mess. Remember: this is not a formal “dinner party.” Have kids have a “picnic” on the porch on a blanket. (I’ve done this often.) Adults eating on the porch is fine. An extra card table added to a two-person table is fine. Lawn chairs are fine, too.

4. When It Comes to Food, Simple is Better Than Elevated. Even though I’d like to think of myself as a good cook, I’m at the stage of my life where I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for complex recipes, and I mostly stick to things I can make easily in large quantities. When thinking about having people over, I often think, "What am I going to cook anyway that I can just make more of?” That makes the mental load of meal planning way easier and removes the pressure to find creative recipes or hunt for special ingredients. (Remember, I’m not trying to wow anyone.) This also helps keep costs down to fit our existing grocery budget.

Here’s a list of food I have recently served guests:

• Beyond burgers and salad.

• Lentil soup and store-bought bread (with boxed mac and cheese for the kids)

• Pesto pasta and Costco rotisserie chicken.

• Hot dogs roasted over our DIY fire pit with potato chips

• Delivery pizza

If you spend four days making cassoulet, it may feel like an intimidating stunt to replicate in the future AND it sets an intimidating standard for your guests to reciprocate.

More Advice for the “Deep Casual” Hosting Movement!

5. Say Yes When Guests Offer to Help: When people ask if they can bring something, give them a low-key assignment, like a bottle of wine or a salad. Let guests clear the table or help load the dishwasher if they offer. If someone has an unusual or elaborate dietary restriction and offers to bring a main course for themselves, let them! This immediately takes down the bar of formality and also lightens the load around hosting, making it easier to want to do again. Recently, we had friends over for dinner who we’ve hosted many times, who 1) brought the entire main dish for dinner and freshly-baked challah. 2) arrived just as a Costco delivery unexpectedly pulled up and immediately started helping put things away. 3) started unloading our dishwasher when they realized it was clean. Their presence made the evening easier than if we were just having dinner with our family alone. And yes, I am always happy to have them over!

6. Comparison is the Thief of Joy. We now live in a world where we not only compare ourselves to the Joneses down the street, but are also inundated with Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Professional Influencers, who condense hours of work into 30-second videos on “easy” ways to be the perfect host. These people are not “just like us.” They are creating content to catch our attention and sell it to advertisers who give them paid sponsorships. If you feel intimidated by what you think hosting looks like on social media, unfollow these types of accounts or delete apps altogether. Comparing the kind of regular hosting that builds relationships to influencer content is like comparing a novice car camper to Bear Grylls.

7. Last Minute is OK. If intensely packed schedules make it hard for you to plan a dinner with someone in advance, surprisingly, I’ve found that last-minute invites can work better than lots of back-and-forth and picking a date six weeks in advance. We often ask people over for dinner with just a few days' notice, texting on Thursday morning about dinner on Saturday. This won’t always work, but it works more often than you might think. Usually, people know their schedules more concretely, and you also may know yours and how it aligns with others better. A casual, “hey, do you all want to come over for dinner after the kids’ soccer game is done on Saturday?” or “the weather looks amazing this weekend, do you want to come over and we’ll grill?” I’ve done this with an hour’s notice, and it has worked out. The casual and last-minute nature of the invite also sets the tone that your guests shouldn’t expect anything elaborate. Give this a try, and let me know how it goes.

8. Don’t Immediately Expect an Invitation Back. If you enjoyed having someone over and they haven’t invited you back, don’t let that stop you from reaching out again. The point of hosting is relationship building and creating a social ecosystem around you that fulfills connections, not filling out a scorecard. (I’ve actually had to work on this myself!) Also, it’s a long game. People have different levels of comfort hosting, but if you start to host casual, low-key dinners often, I think there’s a strong chance you’ll get invitations or other forms of reciprocity. There may be people who will never invite you to their house for dinner, but they might bring over takeout pizza to your place for you all to enjoy, or they might be fantastic listeners, happily pet-sit for you for free, or always remind you about teacher work days.

Finally, if you’ve read this thinking, “but I LOVE making tablescapes!” Or “Baking for three days is my love language.” Or “I find cleaning my house before guests come over very soothing.” I am not trying to rain on your parade. You can still do more labor-intensive, elaborate hosting when you have the time. Deep casual hosting isn’t meant to replace traditions, holidays, or going all-out for certain parties if that’s your jam. It’s a low time and energy supplement to help build regular connections.

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